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 Can someone proof read this for me :P THANKS :D

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Zormage
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PostSubject: Can someone proof read this for me :P THANKS :D   Thu Apr 14, 2011 7:17 pm

So here is the deal scratch I have an essay to post on a website called my.hrw.com. Well I had Angie and a friend of ours to proof read it and I got a scoring of a "2" which means a 50% F... Sooo I came to smarter people than Angie for some help >.> Lol.

The websites exact words:

On a 4-point scale, here’s your score: 2

This response demonstrates limited success with the descriptive writing task. The essay may:

include some loosely related material that distracts from the writer's descriptive focus
show some organization, with noticeable flaws in the descriptive arrangement
offer routine, predictable description
develop the description with uneven use of sensory detail
exhibit limited control of written language

And... here is my essay..

When I think about what my favorite season would be, I consider of winter. I believe that is the best season out of the others because you get to cuddle with the ones you love. One of my favorite things about winter though, would have to be snow. Since I live in Louisiana, I am unable to get to see snow that often. Snow only comes in Louisiana once every few years.

The main reason I like winter is because its the time of year when you can cuddle with someone with someone you love because its cold. It's an excuse to show affection to the one you love in public. The feeling of the warm body heat against your own is the best feeling in the world. Then, there is snuggling in a cozy warm bed. To keep you warm at night. Sometimes though, it can get too cold and you can get sick easily.

Although I love snow, it is not nearly as pleasant her as it is in Tennessee. I went to Gatlinburg in Tennessee for vacation during Christmas break one year. The climate is so different there the people were wearing shorts and T-shirts while it was snowing. Since it's not humid there, it doesn't feel a lot colder than it actually is, like it does here. When I was there, I tried some snowboarding.

Snowboarding was fun to try, but hard to do. I fell down many, and got hurt a few times. I practiced on some hills, and I was surprised to see how fast I could go. I could feel the cold wind hitting my face and skin, so I had to wear special snowboarding clothes and a mask. There were also many trees, and I had to be careful not to run into one.

There are, however, a few things that I do not like about winter. For one, it can feel too cold at times. It is also the time of year everyone gets sick the most. Sometimes, winter is not as great as it sounds. That is why I have another favorite season, called summer!

______________________________________________________________________

I need this task to be accomplished by Monday D:
well, THANKS A MILLIONS TO WHOM EVER HELPS ME!! cheers
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PostSubject: Re: Can someone proof read this for me :P THANKS :D   Thu Apr 14, 2011 11:55 pm

To make this quicker it easier if i just say everything i notice when im reading it. Sorry if i come off douchey in my response but im just trying to help.

1. Start off your essay not directly addressing the topic
2. Try to get rid of the phrase "favorite things", just talk about it
3. The first paragraph ends kind of abruptly
4. You start the second paragraph restating a sentence you mentioned in the first, you can either reword or just drop it since we already know that
5. "one you love" is repetative
6. Possibly add more points to second paragraph? I dont know if you are writing to a rubric, but the whole thing seems short
7. The third and fourth paragraphs kind of feel like random thoughts, maybe address them earlier on as well so we know what to expect (like you did with the cuddling)
8. Add more reasons as to why you dont like winter at the end

There is more that i could say but i am getting tired. Hopefully what i mentioned help. Just try to make it seem less scattered. I feel like you are writing this in a format and that format is incredibly clear when you are reading it, try to hide it better i guess. AP World has brain washed me into thinking that everything needs a thesis so my brain exploded when i was reading this.
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Can someone proof read this for me :P THANKS :D
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